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The national in-laws day 

Tami Lancut Leibovitz

“Ask Tami” is a feature of my site that provides the option to ask me any etiquette question you might worry about, as well as any image, manners & civility issues. I love interacting with my audience, offer solutions and help people on their quest to improve and upgrade their etiquette habits.

One of the most popular subjects on Ask Tami is Family! Last week we celebrated the national in-laws day and what a better day to share some of the more interesting and exciting questions that I have received. Even if you got lucked out and you have wonderful in-laws on your side, you probably heard some horror stories before.

Warning! Some of these questions are highly explosive:

Q: Dear Tami, My story is so surreal I don’t even know where to start. I have a loving, stable relationship with my husband, after 4 kids and 10 years of marriage. I was pretty confident we live the almost picture-perfect life, having a close bond with the extended family from both sides and living a peaceful lifestyle. Until….One day after a family dinner, me and my husband couldn’t “shake off” a weird comment my father in-law made. We started following facts and with a bit of stalking, we found out the worst – my mom and my husband’s father, my father in-law, are having an affair behind everyone’s back, for over a year!

Our family is devastated, family dinners are part of history and the kids notice grandma and grandpa are gone and the ones I left are utterly depressed. Both my mom and his dad didn’t try to reach out to us and they are the ones acting like we hurt them. My kids keep asking about grandma and grandpa and I can’t even think about letting them see the kids right now. Am I being an irresponsible or hateful parent for keeping them away from their grandparents? What is the right thing to do? Shani, Jerusalem

A: Hi Shani and Thank you for sharing, your story is one of the most outrageous ones I heard for a while. First of all I am sorry to hear the tear and destruction your mom and your father in-law created within the family ties. For your question – I believe as part of the actions of your mom and father in-law, they chose themselves over the rest of the family, over you, your husband and your kids and also put their personal desires first. I sincerely hope time will heal some of the pain and you will be able to recover your relationship with your mom and family, but I would not insist or feel any guilt about your kids right now. Maintaining the relationship with their unfaithful grandma and grandpa shouldn’t be your first priority, you should tend to heal yourself first and recover from the serious actions of your mom and father in-law. Create a safe and comfortable environment for your kids, along with the family members that stand with you on the matter. When and if your mom will reach out, you can re-consider it. I would focus on bringing happiness, routine and family dinners once again into your life!

Q: My wife and I are having an endless, very tiring argument on the subject of her mom. For the record - I love her mom, she has a great spirit and heart and do not wish to insult her in any matter, but I am having a serious issue. My mother in-law helps us tremendously, picks up our little one, a 4 year old, from kindergarten 5 days a week and watches her until we come home in the evening. I am very grateful for that. But…I do have a problem and my problem is with her choice of music. She bumps loud music with curse words, explicit material and so on in the house constantly – that’s the music she loves and that’s fine. What is not fine is that my kid comes back home singing those lyrics! I am applaud and angry about it but my wife doesn’t want to say anything to her mom and upset her. How should we go about the subject without insulting her?  Shuki, Ma’ale Edomim

A: I am glad to hear that otherwise you have a good relationship with the mother-in-law, but I agree, it’s not acceptable for your kid to listen to this kind of music. I would try to make it very warm and nice, bring up the subject while you bring her a relevant gift. Buy her a collection of CDs that she will love, without any racy material or even instrumental music, get her a new stereo and explain to her that you wish for her to stay with certain kinds of music, radio stations etc. a gesture will help blow up the hit if she’s sensitive and will make your wife feel better. If she’s as reasonable and sweet as you say, she will probably understand even if she’ll get offended first. Good luck!

Q: Since I met my mother in-law, she talked down and insulted me constantly – and Tami, I swear I’m not that bad! I have an M.B.A in education and history, I have a great career as an educational consultant, I take good care of myself with a workout and beauty routine and most of all – I am a loving, supporting partner for her son. Let me give you a taste of her medicine: The first time she met me, she asked me to turn a full circle so “She can see what her son brought home”, the first time I brought my signature dish to their family event, she mentioned out loud that I will never learn how to cook (My cashew grilled chicken is awesome!) and on my wedding day, she had to tell me minutes before I walk down the aisle, that “I am not the woman she dreamt about for her son”. We go over to her house for Friday dinner at least twice a month and sometimes more. Lately, she cannot stop talking about my weight, make-up and work during dinner, to everyone, about 10 family members in the table, to the point that I couldn’t get myself to go last time, its torture! No one says anything because they are all scared of her. My husband loves his mom and sees her actions but is still pissed at me! Because “not coming to dinner is a matter of family respect”. But I just hate the feeling she gives me, I feel so small and worthless when I am around her, what can I do? Morad, Patech tikva

A: Unfortunately, Sounds like a classic, difficult mom in-law stereotype, the one that believes that nothing will ever be good enough for her son. Sorry you have to deal with it, but you need to know your husband needs to realize he needs to have your back and support you. I don’t want him to fight his mother but I do believe all three of you should sit together for a talk. You say he recognizes her actions, he probably knows how sensitive she is and tries to keep drama in a minimal level but it can never be on your expense, because when you’ll have kids, it will get worse. You have to come and talk to her in a civil manner, explain your feelings and ask if there’s something you can do to make it better. If she stays harsh and mean after that, your husband needs to understand you are not a punching bag for his mom and you cannot tolerate being humiliated for no reason. He should support you and not go himself until she opens her heart and mind and appreciate you guys more. I am wishful that she will choose to clear all negative feelings and start over new. If not – you might want to relocate to a faraway place…just kidding!

If you have any question about any other etiquette issue, please feel free to visit the question section on my site and leave me one - http://bit.ly/AskTami or write me at tami@tll.co.il, I will be happy to help and maybe feature your question anonymously!

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