Etiquette as a Brake on Violence: Why We Need "Fine Skills" Now

Etiquette as a Brake on Violence:

From 2009 to 2026 – Why Civility is Our First Line of Defense

By: Tami Lancut Leibovitz | Master of Manners & Protocol

There is something deeply unsettling in the atmosphere of 2026. Our public sphere has become tense, irritable, and—all too often—frightening. People are increasingly hesitant to walk the streets late at night, cautious about speaking up in public, and wary of even making eye contact. We are witnessing a global rise in "flash-point" violence, a shortening of the social fuse, and a distressing sense that people are ready to "explode" over the smallest triggers.

The recent tragedies we have witnessed are not just isolated incidents; they are mirrors reflecting a harsh reality: something fundamental in our society has lost its brakes. The questions echo from every corner—how does a minor disagreement escalate into lethal violence in seconds? How do young people reach such extreme levels of rage so quickly? And where has the basic human capacity to pause vanished?

The most haunting question of all is: Have we, as a society, simply grown accustomed to this?

It is crucial to clarify: this violence is not confined to the fringes of society. It permeates every layer of our lives—on the roads, across social media, in hospitals directed at medical staff, in the workplace, and even within families. The collective feeling is one of exposure and a lack of protection. It seems there is not enough deterrence, and more importantly, not enough internal regulation mechanisms to stop the next outbreak.

From Schoolyard Bullying to Street Violence:

A 17-Year Journey Back in 2009, I published an article titled "Etiquette as a Brake on Violence." At the time, the focus was primarily on children, schoolyard bullying, and the urgent need to use etiquette as a tool for "the pause"—that critical split second before an aggressive reaction.

I believed then, and I believe even more firmly today, that etiquette is not about saying "please" and "thank you." Etiquette is a sophisticated human mechanism for self-regulation, consideration, empathy, and precise communication. However, while the 2009 discussion centered on the classroom, by 2026, violence has breached all boundaries. It dominates the public discourse, the political arena, and, of course, the digital space.

The Digital Paradox: A Generation Craving Boundaries Within this grim picture lies a hopeful paradox. The younger generation—often accused of digital alienation—is actually thirsting for a language of respect, boundaries, and human connection.

In my daily interactions on social media, I see this firsthand. Young people reach out on Instagram and TikTok with desperate, practical questions: How do I argue without humiliating the other person? How do I set a boundary without being aggressive? How do I de-escalate a conflict before it spirals out of control?

Their responses should keep us awake at night: "No one ever taught us this," "Why don't they talk about this in school?" and "This is exactly what is missing today."

Values without practical tools are futile. We cannot settle for vague instructions like "be tolerant." We must teach the "How": How to manage anger, how to react to criticism, how to read body language, and how to identify escalation in time to neutralize it.

The Evolution: From Soft Skills to Fine Skills This is where the world of Fine Skills enters. In the past, we spoke of "Soft Skills"—a somewhat vague term for general social abilities. The modern era demands an upgrade to Fine Skills: sharp, precise, and practical human proficiencies in communication, presence, active listening, and emotional regulation.

These are not "social decorations." They are essential life tools. Just as we invest immense resources in teaching mathematics, technology, and languages, we must teach human communication. Because violence does not begin with a punch. It begins much earlier—with contempt, humiliation, and the inability to handle frustration. Where tools for conflict management are lacking, violence rushes in to fill the void.

Global Lessons in Civility Many nations have long understood that communication and etiquette are social infrastructures:

Japan: Education in public responsibility begins in preschool. Children learn "Gaman" (perseverance and self-restraint) and respect for others as an integral part of being a social being.

Scandinavia: In countries like Denmark, "Empathy Classes" (Klassens tid) are part of the mandatory curriculum, where children learn to solve conflicts through regulated dialogue.

United Kingdom & USA: The culture of Debate is ingrained from a young age. The goal is not just to win an argument, but to learn to listen to an opposing view and understand that disagreement does not make the other person an enemy.

France: There is a renewed focus on "Civilité"—a demand for restrained and respectful conduct as part of one's civic duty.

Etiquette is Restrained Power The most fundamental mistake we make is the perception that etiquette equals weakness or "being a pushover."

The truth is quite the opposite.

Etiquette is not weakness. Etiquette is restrained power.

It is that split second where a person with power chooses not to humiliate, not to scream, and not to escalate. Etiquette is our social immune system. A society without boundaries of respect eventually begins to fear itself—and that fear is already palpable on our streets.

The time has come to stop viewing etiquette as nostalgia and start seeing it as a modern national infrastructure. We urgently need a global shift toward "Fine Skills"—teaching the next generation not just what is right, but how to do right.